For as long as I can remember I have been dealing with, for want of a better word, or reluctance to assign a more technical term to it, pretty bad mood swings. I wrote a post recently about a particular occurrence, my struggle with it and my resolution.

At the time, that post had two intents behind it, one for you and one for me. For you, to inspire or to give hope. To let you know that you are not alone if you are struggling with the same and that there is a way to deal with it. To let you know that it happens and it’s okay. For me, to get to terms with it myself. To write it out because talking about it is hard. Very hard. To nail down the thoughts behind it and get a closure. Maybe to learn from it.

I am still somewhat reluctant to share my ramblings with the world so only a handful of people have had the chance to read it. And it only took this handful of people’s reactions for me to realise that perhaps this is a topic that requires more time dedicated to it. I have been trying to explain how it feels for 26 years. Well, maybe not quite, I wouldn’t have realised this isn’t “normal” when I was 5. So perhaps, 16 years is a fair statement.

I would wake up and to say I got up on the wrong foot would be an understatement. Or maybe I had an amazing day up until lunchtime and then fell down a spiral on my way from the bakery back to college. Perhaps it was my birthday and I got a truly amazing present from my uncle but for some reason I hated it and sulked for the rest of the day? I actually remember this one vividly and I was only 12 at the time.

For a while, everyone (including myself) assumed it was puberty. I was at that age after all. I was also very reserved and very keen on video games so my moodiness would often be written off as video game addiction and being antisocial and there certainly is some truth to this but not in its entirety. I started writing poetry and diaries where I could give my feelings some shape and effectively “dump” them so I could breathe.

As I grew out of puberty and went to university I got the opportunity to shine a little as I studied languages which I truly enjoyed and was good at (let’s not mention my awful French at this point). I built some valuable friendships and generally felt a little bit more myself. My mood improved and I clashed less with my parents but at the same time, when it hit, it hit hard.

At this point the realisation that this was not just a phase creeped up on me. I ignored it, though, which made it worse because I pretty much accepted that I am going to be a horrible person every now and then. The worst part was that I knew full well I was being a horrible person and I did not make an effort to change it. I hurt a lot of people and often failed to apologise for it. Sometimes, I hurt them on purpose. By this I mean I felt like I had the right to, because nobody was helping me and that is a hard thing to say and a harder thing to admit.

Repeatedly I was also told by my family and people closest to me that I should cheer up or just told that I am horrible and I should be mindful of it, with brutal honesty. Of course, this was well intended but you can imagine it did not sit well with me, especially given that my head was already in a state of self-destruction. In hindsight though, this might have helped as it encouraged me to see it as a problem I have to solve.

Not having any idea whatsoever what this was and how to deal with it but feeling the need to identify it somehow, I settled for calling it the highs and the lows. The highs being my normal state (which actually is a pretty good one, motivated, inspired and positive and I am pretty damn pleased with myself for it) and the lows being the potholes I fall into every so often.

Sometimes it took 3 days to see the light of day, sometimes 5 or 7 or 14… Sometimes it stretched out through even longer periods but luckily those seemed to be somewhat milder although I felt pretty damn desperate after a month of numbness.

First, I am irritable, then I am upset. Then I feel so very alone. My productivity falls and I see no sense in anything. Nothing’s good enough either, including myself, so why bother? Part of me is screaming for help but at this point I know I can be hurtful so I am also isolating myself. I don’t let people close because like everything else, they are not good enough either. At the same time, I am desperately hoping for someone or something to drag me out of the pit. I get progressively angrier as I realise nobody has the ability to do so. I push them away and then blame them for not being close.

For the better part of my experiencing this, I got to the angry phase before I realised I can’t backtrack. By that time, I have done a fair bit of damage and I have hardly any motivation to deal with it. Thankfully I have surrounded myself with a handful of AMAZING individuals that are stubborn enough to persevere and have gotten used to it by now. Like me.

In light of my personal development and finding myself I seem to have also found a part of me that is a lot stronger than I thought and willing to really work on myself in all aspects. I wanted to change certain aspects of my personality into what I strived towards, as well as being influenced by some truly inspiring people through my first employment and martial arts. Initially, this had more to do with confidence and human interaction but as I analysed my reactions and attempted to mould them into the right shapes, I quickly realised how connected everything is. “Tuning in” with myself became a thing.

Without making a conscious decision to do so, I started identifying other phases of my lows. I felt my productivity fall, I felt loneliness and the desire to curl up and push people away build up. I looked for reasons behind it with little success. I attempted to minimise the triggers. Sometimes I invented reasons so I could blame something or someone and unload some of the weight. Eventually that was not good enough so I started actively working against it. Like balancing a scale. I swing this way, I’ll throw something on the opposite end. I’m feeling unproductive, I will force myself to start creating whether it’s colouring something in or building on top of a writing prompt. Cooking or baking is a common one also. I am lonely so I will seek company and when I try to push people away, part of me clings on also and gives them a chance.

These days, I sense the irritation. The familiar, “For no reason whatsoever” irritation that feels like I am treading on a wire that’s about to snap. But in this new world, I know to tread lightly. I’ve put up safety nets to catch me and I am no longer afraid. In fact, I am proud of the progress I’ve made and excited to develop my self-awareness further.