It took a long time to find my own path and a lot of dead ends. I realise now that I tried to follow other people’s footsteps rather than creating my own and that only resulted in discomfort. I felt out of place for so long I assumed the problem was me. I tried to be more like other people whom I was in awe of to no great success.

Throughout my childhood and teenage years, I was always the more reserved one. The one that sat in the corner looking at the popular kids with envy, wondering what it would be like to look like them, dress like them, talk like them, sit at their table (as cliche as it sounds…). I was the girl that worried about the prom not because she didn’t know which dress to wear but because she had to wear a dress. And find a boy to go with – which she would probably have to ask herself and get rejected many many times.

At sports class, I was the girl that loved sports but didn’t get picked into the team because she was the weird chubby one. And after school, I was the girl who went home, enjoying her games and her books and her quiet, because she did not feel comfortable enough being herself to go out. I felt I needed to be different – Different to how I was but more similar to how “they” were.

I quietly made my way through high school and started my university years, where I found my first shift of mindset. There, people studying alongside had some common interests. I made new friends that appreciated some of the knowledge and input I had and inspired me to try new things. I realised it was okay to do the things that I enjoyed even if they weren’t considered cool by some people. I took up swimming which was previously a big part of my life and it helped me slowly but steadily get a little fitter. I tried out climbing and spent my weekends hiking with friends or family. I went on road trips across Europe and found many places I loved (and some I loved a bit less…).

I grudgingly worked through my degree in English and French, sadly realising that while it may have been what I originally wanted to do, the years studying have changed me and I was no longer so keen. Still, stubborn as I am, I finished the degree before setting out to move from my home country of Slovenia to the UK.

Moving to the UK proved to be a much much much bigger deal than I could ever have imagined. Not because of the paperwork or the move itself but because I realised, through trials of various kinds that I actually had no idea who I was and had little I was actually proud of. What I have built up to be important parts of me suddenly felt like it did not define the person I wanted to be anymore at all.

Back to square one, I had a “person I wanted to be” vision again. Only this time this person did not resemble anyone in particular, it was just a better, happier version of myself. Unfortunately, I really struggled envisaging myself ever becoming this person.

I went through rejection after rejection which further devaluated the few achievements I was proud of when no one would employ me. I had limited contact with people and the ones I did have contact with I was easily affected by so I was also easily hurt. When I thought I hit rock bottom, it got worse. At that point I realised I had to do something about it.

For a reason I really wish I could pin point right now, I woke up one morning and decided to fight back. “You’re strong, you can do this”, I told myself. I got up and set up a workout to do every morning. I used the exercise bike. I went for a run. And I felt strong(er) – that is, after feeling awful having done a run I was no ready for. Exercise became something that was completely up to me and in my control. I decided to build on this. I set myself challenges, I made it harder and I was pleased when I triumphed, over and over again. I saw myself as a fighter and I loved it so I thought why not actually fight, I might love that too and took up martial arts. It felt like I was meant to do this and I loved (and I still do) every minute I spent learning and improving.

For a long time, I felt a lot better about myself but I kept looking for paths to follow. I followed a few good and interesting paths during that time and I learnt a great deal. I finally got a job (coincidentally I was actually on my exercise bike when I received the interview offer). My newfound motivation and my determination to always strive for better and to do everything to the best of my ability and then some, helped me make the best of my position and kickstart my career. I met some truly inspiring people and made an effort to learn from them. I was in awe and at the same time observing with keen interest trying to soak up all the traits I admired.

At some point I realised that I am now closer than every to that person I wanted to become. In fact, I love who I am and what I do and I suddenly have friends that have chosen to be my friends for who I am and not friends I chose to follow because I wanted to be more like them. I love a challenge because I trust myself to be able to conquer it. I preach about my trainings and workouts because I want to share this feeling with everyone around me and I am always happy to help out because I have enough motivation to share.

It has been 3 years since my last week without a workout. Not because I need to but because I want to. I have been practicing HEMA, Taekwondo and Kickboxing and also going to the gym, running, swimming and cycling. I obtained a black belt at Taekwondo, which was a longterm dream of mine and something I never imagined myself doing. I progressed to blue (8/10) belt at Kickboxing and ran two half marathons. I am consistently increasing weight in the gym and have doubled some of the weights I started with since last year. In a fit of madness, I signed myself up to do a marathon this year.

Yes, my life does largely revolve around fitness, however it has impacted everything in my life. At work, I worked on self-confidence and learnt public speaking, finally felt comfortable interacting on the phone and taking charge. I dealt with difficult people and stuck to my mantra: “You can do this, you are strong.” The same mantra supports me to this day except now it’s turned into more of a conversation with myself along the lines of “Come on, you can do better than this, you’re awesome.” Or sometimes even like this:
“I can’t lift this”
“Yes you can”
“No I can’t”
“Come on, don’t chicken out we can do this”
“THAT WAS AWESOME!!”
“See I told you I could do it”

People come up and ask me how I do it. Then they proceed and tell me that I don’t know what it’s like or that they aren’t naturally fit, strong or talented like me. And I wish they could see me 10 years ago. Or me 5 years ago. Or even 3 years ago. Or last year. I wish they could see I wasn’t always like I am today and that it just takes time, determination, the right mindset and the right actions to get wherever you want to be. I am not even there yet and I will keep challenging and improving. Nobody dies the same person they were born. Evolve, evolve into someone you love and realise that at that point, everything else will fall into place.

I am immensely proud of my achievements but more than that, I am excited to find that there are so many amazing, interesting and inspiring people out there that have supported me and became my friends, my idols or both. I am also excited to inspire and motivate everyone I can, by sharing my story, what motivates me, what keeps me going and just generally being there for anyone that needs a smile and a nudge – I have some spare.